the thinkings of a mind...

Have you ever been in a place you know you're supposed to be, but you're not sure why? You know it makes sense, but you just can't find the reasoning? Have you ever thirsted for something, but you never feel quite quenched; Hungry, but once you consume one thing you're eager for the next; Tired, but you're mind just won't let you rest?

I think about my life and I wonder. I think about the people in my past. The ones who left and aren't returning. Will they be okay? are they okay? Do they know I think about them. Was I a light to their lives? Knowing they may never know or care, I still pray over them...I wonder about my great grandparents and what it would be like if they were still alive. Almost 23 and still wanting to curl up with them like I used to as a kid. Drawing them pictures to hang or stick in the edge of an existing frame. Something special about great grandparents that they just get you, they love you where you are. Selfish to think, but mine were the best. I'm sure you'll feel the same about yours... I think about my little nephew. I wonder if he'll ever know me or if he'll end up calling some stranger aunt out the mere inconvenience distance brings. What is he like? How precious is he. Will I ever get to hold him? I barely knew he was born, but I wrote him a letter. A prayer over his life. I still have yet to send it. Not sure what I'm waiting for...

I think about where I'm at, where I'm going. I'm where I'm supposed to be, but I'm not really sure where that's at. Am I going to the left? Down the right? Maybe staying here a while to enjoy it while I can. I have a lot to learn and my friend made a good point in saying: "it's not about who you're with but who you choose to be." Sometimes, it just about CHOOSING to be that person, stepping it up when the moment comes, having some respect and self control. Not giving up even though you wonder why you still don't have what you thought you would by now. It's patience when you really have none and endurance when the race is being run. It's knowing you can't turn back, but you can look forward. The past can't be undone. It's when you find your heart in one place and your body in another, yet you still find the faith to trust that the One who brought you through it will bring you out of it again.

There are things on a woman's heart that no matter where she's been or where she's going, will always be. Those things only she knows she thinks about. Things that even when she tries to voice them, they never seem to come out right. So for now, here's what I'm going to say instead: I miss my church. I miss sitting in that pew while facing God's rebuke. I miss confessing in song and being met with His love and filled with His joy in that place of worship, while surrounded by others doing that exact same thing, in that exact same moment. I miss my baby Luke and wish for a moment I could hold him again and tell him how very much he's loved. He has that special place in my heart. I pray the parents who receive him will embrace him and teach him to walk right in the Spirit. I miss my friends. Ones that aren't close to me in distance, who's lives I miss out on simply because I'm somewhere else. And even though my family doesn't seem to say much to me now a days, I miss them too and them well...