the thinkings of a mind...

Have you ever been in a place you know you're supposed to be, but you're not sure why? You know it makes sense, but you just can't find the reasoning? Have you ever thirsted for something, but you never feel quite quenched; Hungry, but once you consume one thing you're eager for the next; Tired, but you're mind just won't let you rest?

I think about my life and I wonder. I think about the people in my past. The ones who left and aren't returning. Will they be okay? are they okay? Do they know I think about them. Was I a light to their lives? Knowing they may never know or care, I still pray over them...I wonder about my great grandparents and what it would be like if they were still alive. Almost 23 and still wanting to curl up with them like I used to as a kid. Drawing them pictures to hang or stick in the edge of an existing frame. Something special about great grandparents that they just get you, they love you where you are. Selfish to think, but mine were the best. I'm sure you'll feel the same about yours... I think about my little nephew. I wonder if he'll ever know me or if he'll end up calling some stranger aunt out the mere inconvenience distance brings. What is he like? How precious is he. Will I ever get to hold him? I barely knew he was born, but I wrote him a letter. A prayer over his life. I still have yet to send it. Not sure what I'm waiting for...

I think about where I'm at, where I'm going. I'm where I'm supposed to be, but I'm not really sure where that's at. Am I going to the left? Down the right? Maybe staying here a while to enjoy it while I can. I have a lot to learn and my friend made a good point in saying: "it's not about who you're with but who you choose to be." Sometimes, it just about CHOOSING to be that person, stepping it up when the moment comes, having some respect and self control. Not giving up even though you wonder why you still don't have what you thought you would by now. It's patience when you really have none and endurance when the race is being run. It's knowing you can't turn back, but you can look forward. The past can't be undone. It's when you find your heart in one place and your body in another, yet you still find the faith to trust that the One who brought you through it will bring you out of it again.

There are things on a woman's heart that no matter where she's been or where she's going, will always be. Those things only she knows she thinks about. Things that even when she tries to voice them, they never seem to come out right. So for now, here's what I'm going to say instead: I miss my church. I miss sitting in that pew while facing God's rebuke. I miss confessing in song and being met with His love and filled with His joy in that place of worship, while surrounded by others doing that exact same thing, in that exact same moment. I miss my baby Luke and wish for a moment I could hold him again and tell him how very much he's loved. He has that special place in my heart. I pray the parents who receive him will embrace him and teach him to walk right in the Spirit. I miss my friends. Ones that aren't close to me in distance, who's lives I miss out on simply because I'm somewhere else. And even though my family doesn't seem to say much to me now a days, I miss them too and them well...

being broken for the King

Picture this:
Three Babies, a one month,a two month old, and a four month old. All crying! Two hungry, One just wanting to be held. Then there's me: Having just watched an episode of "Super Nanny" last night, I had ringing in my head to remain calm and the children will reflect my attitude and be calm as well. So there I stood between two cribs, holding the four month old with one arm, feeding her, and doing well to keep her balanced along my stomach. Then, using my right arm to reach over and into the high edge of the one month old's crib, as I gently tug on the edge of her blanket to rock her side to side, all the while singing as best I could the words to, "I love you, Lord" and "Amazing Grace" with a bottle wedged between my chin and neck....no Mamas in sight...Just me. Alone. With three screaming babies and only two arms and the side front of my stomach for help...

Just having finished a portion in my book about how God spoke to the author through her child and how God feels joy with her. That when things are difficult for us, no matter how big or small they may be, He rejoices when we've experienced victory over our short comings or obstacles. Trying to appease all these three babies when they seemed so content do kick and fuss in their rising discontent with my efforts made me think two things: (1) I don't EVER want to have triplets! and (2) This must be how God feels with me right now...

For the last week, God has been so gracious in speaking through my good friends and loved ones to let me know His Love and Faithfulness for me, but my own stubbornness and impatience to know NOW! has gotten me in a real hissy fit with Jesus. Just like the babies were content in their crying and kicking and fussing until their desire was met to be held and coddled, and wanting nothing more than that, I have been kicking and screaming for God to just take care of my desire, to pick me back up again, and let me know that He's taking care of me. The fact is He's been doing it all along and if I would just calm down, I'd see that, I would feel His love and presence....

God is good to allow me to see Him through others, even through the mouths of babes. I'm most definitely grateful that He has a sense of humor about it!

special moments...

Wow! Tomorrow is one month of my stay here in Kenya and I feel like there are still so many moments that I hold dear that I have yet to mention. Life for me has changed so much since the first week I was here. I feel it strongly pressed upon my heart that I will not be leaving Kenya. There may be an opening here in Tigoni/Limuru with one of the organizations in the office with ACTS. I've talked to everyone I know here and will be looking for jobs tomorrow with my dear friend Lydiah. I pray that His will be done. As much as I would like to stay here, I don't know what God has in store for me next and I want to be ready for anything!

Wednesday there was a hijacking just up the road we take daily. The hijacker are assumed to have been running from the police when they decided to swap vehicles...I praise God, that as frustrated as I was for running late that day, that we were late! Sifu Yesu! (praise jesus!) It's the first time in my life I've ever laid eyes on a man who'd been shot down and left laying dead in the road next to a toppled over vehicle. Honestly, I expected to see more of that here, but be assured this rarely happens and I am nearly always accompanied with a staff member or friends.

As far as those precious moments, well they are many! I've helped teach women English. Something that sounds much easier than it is because I'm not the only one teaching and NO ONE leaves behind any idication of what they have taught. So, it's all a shot in the dark, but the women are great to help one another out and let me know if there is any lagging behind or what they'd like to learn more of.

The children at LCC and LCC-K aee amazing! Just the other week and I may have told this story before, but when the other volunteers were here, we stood outside in a huge courtyard, having the largest tickle fight I have ever been in, I'm thinking at least 50 kids. The sky was perfect with big fluffy white clouds, I remember moving in circles, kids wrapped around my waits about three deep in every direction. Nothing but joy and laughter to fill the air... my only thoughts were: When is the last time that you have been THIS happy?!

Most of the kids here have needs for clothes and shoes (shoes are literally about 1200 shillings clear down to 150 shilings, equalling about $12/ea at most.) They are in great need for pencils. For some reason they just go through them like crazy and they also seem to be VERY expensive here. Pencils are almost a dollar a piece! Paper and sharpeners are very much needed here for the students to learn. Not only are school fees rather expensive, but the only way for children to get an education. Unlike how it is in the U.S., where we have free education, parents have to pay about three times a year in order for their children to go school. If a normal sized loaf of bread is about 35shilling (50 cents), and school fees per term are 800 shillings ($11)! It seems like nothing to us, but for these people that is SOO much. This doesn't include the couple hundred for uniforms, plus the hundreds spent for school supplies on top of that! It really adds up. If children don't get into a good preschool, they won't get into a primary school (grades 1-8). Which as you can see is a chain reaction for further education, which is really a huge part in their lack of advancement.

I wish that I could cut down on the length for you so I could fit in some more stories. But I think it will stop here. Please pray for those I encounter, for those I volunteer for. I don't know yet, who my presence has impacted or where God will take me from here, but I do pray that whatever my purpose here, that it's for His will, that it's for His glory, adn that it's fulfilled. Amen

Response to Tina: If the kids would like to send toys, I'm sure the children would LOVE it! I work with kids ranging from infant to 14yrs old. Just be careful, customs here does steal. Postage here is about a dollar a letter, but no worries on that. I'll have to ask if the kids are allowed to have pen pals. My only worry with that, is that a lot of people are very bold in asking for things and don't always know healthy boundaries in doing so. They think Mzungu (white person), they think $MONEY$ and I don't mean that in a rude, desensitized way.

Hey Guys!! You won't believe it but it's rained Kenya!! I can't believe it. It's so wonderful. They haven't had a good rain since maybe May and tonight it has poured! I had to get on here straight away to let you know.

When it happened I was with the children at LCC watching Spiderman. One of the Mama's came in and started shouting commands at the children and they all rushed out. Well, that's when I smelt the rain. I had little Jenny in my arms and ran out to go stand in it for a moment! What a great end to a fun filled day! Oh, God bless children and Rain!! mvua is "rain" in Kiswahili!!

Pray it rains all night and day!

Sometimes, It's not about you...

My second week is halfway over. Hard to believe. Tomorrow the last of the three other volunteers is leaving and as much as I like adventuring on my own, I really am going to miss her adventursome spirit, wanting to get as much out of life as possible. I've already missed the other two ladies. "Iown iown, beth, bernog...hehe" But God has been good. This week my body chose to wear down. I have some allergy chain reaction thing going on with my left eye and nostril, then my throat has started to swell up...but nothing too serious that I haven't been able to hold the precious babies and work at the church. :-)

To be honest, I've felt more exhausted emotionally than anything. I feel like he's crept into my personal life and as most of you may know, not having good communication with someone is the quickest way to make me feel alienated, but the good thing has been that God has been working with me to keep pushing me back into him. So, I know when I don't feel like I can put trust in the ones that I love and want to grow in life with, that I can trust God. Then I know that if they are leaning in to Him as well, then it will all turn out as it should be. Not only that, but as long as I truely, whole hearted trust in God, I know that he'll guard my ways.

Proverbs 4:26 (or somewhere around there...) Above all, protect your heart....

All of this aside, God has continually reminded me that it's not about me. It's not about the lacking that feel or the doubts that I have or even my issecurities that I'll end up short again. None of that matters, I mean it does, but God's will is greater and right now it's about being the vessel in which He can work through. I've read and heard that saying time and time again about laying down my cross, to pick up His. To set my feelings aside to completely, genuinely be there for others, that God my speak through me...or just be there...

Touchdown in Kenya...

24hrs of flying, not to mention 3 layovers, one more than I expected, I am safe in Kenya. I have already made several friends here. Everyone is so delightful! I love being here, it's like my heart has found it's home. There are several organizations that we are going to be doing work with and after this next week or so of dabbling my feet in the different forms of work, I'll make a decision of where I will be working prodominately. Right now I can already feel that I will be doing a lot of work with LCC-K (Limuru Children's Centre - K branch, which is the group of children from four to seven who are preparing for primary school). They are all so beautiful and loving!!

I am picking up KiSwahili rather quickly. Today is just my second day and I can already greet people, ask how they are, tell them my name, and where I'm from! Not to mention asking them the same, plus some common manners and silly phrases like "let's go", "Hurry!", and "I don't know." hehe It's so much fun! My goal is to be able to have a full conversation in Kiswahili before my two months is over! I've already come so far. My instructor didn't believe today was just my second day when I went to my first lesson! hehe...

Oh! We went on a Safari walk and I found Rafiki! (of "The Lion King") Not the actual one of course, however we are on a mission to find a "Heart-beating" giraffe! lol -pictures to be posted later this week or beginning of next.

p.s. Welsh is a funny language, some words I just shouldn't be told, but a fun one is that microwave is "Poppety-Ping" (spelling may be incorrect but that's how you pronounce it)...

Kwahari! (good bye)

Leaving on a jet plane...

So, for those of you new to my blog, welcome! I'm glad to have you come alongside me in this! Tomorrow I will get up @ two am to take care of some bills and turn my phone off for time that I will be gone. Yesterday was a rough one and God was great to remind me what happens when you choose to push time with Him aside, no matter how enriching the other distractions might be. Maybe I've already stated this in one of my blogs below, but someone once told me that the higher the risk for good, the stronger the attacks will come, for Satan is fully aware of our potention and will stop at nothing to try to make us run back for the hills in fear that we cannot obtain that for which we are striving. Maybe that's not the exact wording, but you get the jist. It is not on our own two feet alone that we can reach our full potential, but as Paul illudes to in Phillipians, it's not that we are made perfect or that we have already obtained that which we are striving for, but that we press forward towards the goal that God might work through us.

The last week or so has definatly had some ups and downs. I haven't been as cautious in how my words come out and I'm sorry for the friction that's it caused. I know I can't take it back, but I do pray that there will come peace.

I am definately starting to freak out a little bit and some fears are rearing their ugly heads, but I know it's nothing to worry about. Everything that happens can be turned back to glory, after all, look at our own personal stories. We've already come so far, what's to stop us here?

I love you more than you can know...

Refresher...

So, it's amazing to realize just how great our God is! For all that I feel I've sacrificed for the sake of being obedience to my God's will, I have to say heart aches in a way that I've never felt before. I have been brought to my knees more times than I can count, everytime coming back with more joy and praise and gaditude for my King and this life. I've lost some friends I thought I would be tight with for years to come, I've lost "possessions" that I hold dear and play a huge parts in my comfort, sanity, and even independence...or so I thought. I feel stripped of all the things I wanted to hold so closely to, but with all of that my heart still beltches out the words to Nicole C Mullen's song, "I know that I know that I know that I know!!!! That MY REDEEMER LIVES!!!"

I've had a few bad days. I've definately let "Flesh Woman" (as Joanna River calls her in "Having a Mary Spirit.") take over, but as Paul says in Philippians 3:12-14, "Not that I have already been obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."...in all of this, I finally feel like I have a true relationship with my King. I know I'm not perfect, but I press on for the sake of which He gave his life for me. In this I have hope.

Thank you for all of you who have encouraged me, who have had real hope in me, who believed in me. You mean the world to me and I cherish the relationships I have with each one of you.

Love and Blessing be,
Bonnie Michelle

Determined to keep the passion

"Set us afire, Lord, stir us we pray!
While the world perishes, we go our way
Purposeless, passionless, day after day;
Set us afire, Lord, Stir us we pray!" - Cushman (daily bread '09)

To step back and realize the things I have let go to follow the King on this journey, I am in awe that I still stand, yet here I am. My heart feels the ache of loss, yet it still recognizes the joy of the king. I have hope! I have HOPE!! It is "Our love for Jesus (that) is key to spiritual passion." (daily bread '09)

It was my sweet sweet sister-in-law that reminded me I am determined. It was my time in the word that reminded me just why I am passionate about what I am doing. It's not about me, when it comes to my life, there are so many words, yet I am speechless. All I can say is PRAISE HIM!! Praise him who died for me, praise him to watches over me in the dark, praise him who loves me still. Praise him! For I am weary and weighed with assult from the evil one, yet "I said 'I will guard my ways so that I amy not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth with a muzzle as long as the wicked are in my presence..." (Psalm 39) As much as I try, I still slip and fall. My tongue isn't always peaceful or gorifying, but I am hopeful that in him I have a future. He has a purpose for me and if nothing else results from this, but that the King of kings and lord of lords is glorified, may it be so! Lord, may it be so!

I corrected things with my passport and should be receiving that shortly. I also have raised $775 even for my trip. That with what I do have saved up so far, I will be able to purchase my ticket which is coming in just barely under $2000. I have been blessed to crash with friends until the end of August and have a few more paychecks before I leave. My trip has been shortened to 2months now due to funding. I am hoping to put together a letter this week to hopefully raise some support from local companies. Praise be to the king! I am excited for this trip! I will also go in for shots later this week.

May I wash your feet?

"Faith looks across the storm - it does not doubt
or stop to look at clouds and things without.
faith Does not question why when all His ways
are hard to understand, but trusts and prays." - Anonymous

Encouragement, when the feet are fearful. Passion to follow desire meets the wall of fearful probability. Discouragement is great when risk for triumph is even greater. His word, a hand up when courage seems meek. Wrestling with the monsters past, then His light shines to scare them back into the dark. The enemy WILL be defeated, the darkness will curl back unto itself, and the world will see light come again. Wings for a heart that forgot it could fly.Humbled are those who serve others, for they will be lifted great before the King. To roam the world, the scale has been weighed and I chose life.

Status on the Kenya trip. I am diligently working on fundraising. I am currently in discussion with my boss about putting together a bowl-athon. I am hoping to contact local businesses, put together a car wash, and even raise funds with a friend for her South Africa trip this fall. I currently have reservations to purchase my plane ticket, which is thankfully just under $2,000. So, it seems things are going well with the prepping and my roommate and I are looking for a studio apt. in the area to rent until mid/end of August.

Thank you for all your prayers and support! Traeh ottraeh!!

Let the adventures begin...

Hi and welcome the first of many blogs yet to be posted! I am excited to have you tuning into this amazing journey that I have been called to. To be honest, I'm not really sure what to say on something so public, as I mostly enjoy my one on one time with each of you, but I know contact in Kenya will be scarce through anything but letters and some form of mass emailing. So, hopefully this will serve its purpose well and I may be provided the opportunity of keeping all of you in the loop.

The status so far, I received my application acceptance Monday, May 18th, 2009. I have sent out my letters of support. One of my bosses proposed putting together a bowl-athon in honor of raising some financial support for this endeavor. I feel like my life as I know it has been turned upside down and sideways. I used to think that the boundaries to my ability to remain comfortable with what God has planned for me were pretty wide and space vast in between, but I'm learning just how out of my comfort level I feel. We have been doing a Beth Moore study in my women's group entitled, "Living Beyond Yourself". Talk about a more perfect time to be studying that! lol, I know that what I am embarking upon is definately something greater than that which I would ever have imagined or been capable of by myself. I have hit what has felt like some insurpassable walls of fear, guilt, and insecurities than I could ever imagine facing by myself, here in the past few months and even weeks! I am so grateful to have a King who is so big and mighty that there is Nothing that He cannot do! Amen? He provides a peace that outweighs all other emotions.

It's late and I need to head to bed soon, but a couple of songs that have really encouraged me lately have been: ClearView by Tal & Acacia, and Hope Now by Addison Road. If you have the chance to listen to them, I highly recommend it. They are really great! The words of Hope Now are my heart's anthem at this point...everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith somehow. When the world has broken me down, His Love sets me free. He has become my hearts desire....

Thank you so much, not just for your prayers, but for all the support that you have given me throughout my life.

Christ in Love <3+